While thinking about what to do for my New Year's resolution, I've been remembering some things I used to do back in the good old jr. high and high school days. One thing I enjoyed doing was writing down the lyrics to songs that I loved - songs that touched something in me, that I related to and seemed like they were written especially for me. (Did anyone else ever do this?) I still have some old notebooks filled with my doodling. It's been a long time since I've even thought about this (I guess trying to think about what this years resolution will be has brought out a little of my old teenage self).
There is a song by Josh Gracin called "I Wanna Live." Whenever I hear this song, I'm reminded of a warm afternoon in late spring several years ago when Brad and I took our boat out on the lake - just the two of us - for a ride.
I was kind of at a crossroads having finally come to terms with the realization that my two boy were almost grown - would be leaving home soon - and not knowing what I wanted to do with the next chapter of my life. At the time, Zack and Bo were finishing up their junior and sophomore years in high school. I was feeling sad and a little empty that my role as a mother would soon be coming to an end (I had no idea that our lives would be blessed with Winston and I'd get another chance to be a mommy for this wonderful little boy) and feeling a little anxious and uncertain about what might be in store for Brad and me.
With the wind blowing through my hair and this song playing as we sped across the lake, I couldn't help but relate to the lyrics and think this is what I want - to savor and to fully enjoy the experience that is my life. To share all my love and be loved in return and to let go of things holding me back.
Following are some of the lyrics to this song:
Sometimes I feel like I need to shake myself, to wake myself:
I feel like I'm just sleep walkin' through my life.
It's like I'm swimmin' in an ocean of emotion,
But still, somehow, slowly goin' numb inside.
I don't like who I'm becomin', I know I've gotta do somethin',
Before my life passes right by.
I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain,
Shine like the sun on a beautiful mornin'.
Sing to the heavens like a church bell ringin',
Fight with the devil an' go down swingin'.
Fly like a bird, roll like a stone,
Love like I ain't afraid to be alone.
Take everything that this world has to give,
I wanna live.
I guess this song comes to mind now because I'm at a crossroads again. Zack and Bo are back from their missions but headed off to college. Soon they'll be establishing lives of their own that don't include me - at least not very much. I'm so grateful we have Winston - I really wasn't ready for my role as a mother to be over. One big difference - this time around, I don't feel so anxious and uncertain about what the future holds for me and my family. In fact, I'm really looking forward to all the possibilities.
On a side note, I'm still trying to figure out what this year's resolution will be....