One day at a time

I woke up last night at exactly 2:00 am - almost the exact time that my father passed away last week. There must have been some part of my subconscious that would not allow me to sleep past this first landmark and I lay awake for a while just feeling the loss of my father. Only one week and it feels like at least a year. On another note, today was my first day back at work and even though I'm still so tired and my heart still aches, it helped to be back doing what I'm used to doing and being kept busy. I know time will heal the ache so I'll just take it one day at a time for now.

What I'm Thankful for:
How beautiful the fresh fallen snow looks in the morning sunshine. Kind and caring friends who haven't been afraid to express their sympathy - it really does help to know that others care. My wonderful children who really are the light of my life. The knowledge that through the gospel I'll be able to be with my father again.

A Very Long Day

Last night was my Dad's viewing and today was his funeral. I don't even know how many people I've talked to, hugged and cried with in the last two days. It's been both comforting and exhausting. My father has touched many, many lives and so many people came to express their condolences at his passing. Dad would have been pleased to have so many friends and family around and I think he's happy with how things turned out today. We were blessed with a break in the bad weather. It was sunny and calm - a fitting day for Dad. My emotions have changed so often over the last four days - Ok one moment and then not the next. These constant changing emotions have been so hard to deal with.

In trying to prepare for our talks, my sisters got together and I tried to remember as much as we could about Dad. That's one thing I didn't know about grieving. Your brain blocks your memories for a little while (probably as a defense mechanism) and it's hard to remember anything. The other thing I didn't expect is the physical impact losing my father would have on me. I knew about the emotional aspect, but I didn't realize how hard it is on you physically to lose someone close to you. Some days it's been all I could do just to drag myself out of bed to face the day - I've been dealing with terrible back aches and headaches. And eating has been a hard thing to do - I've either had stomach aches or felt nauseous when I've eaten.

Now that the funeral is over, I'll be spending some time at home this weekend just trying to absorb all that's happened this past week and giving my body a much needed rest. I'm so grateful for family and for the gospel. We may be sad at our loss, but we also know that Dad is in a great place and that he is happy. He's been reunited with his parents and one of his best friend who passed away several years ago. I'm sure he's also helping to prepare his soon to be new great-grandson for his trip to earth in April. So even though we are all sad for us, we take comfort in knowing that Dad is happy and has probably already started on his next mission.

Things I am Thankful for:
All of the prayers on our behalf. The love and support of our friends and family. My beautiful little boy who makes me smile when I feel like crying. My kind and loving husband who has been so strong and supportive. My brothers and sisters and their spouses- this has been so terribly hard but would have been unbearable without all of their love and support. My wonderful and loving parents who have blessed my life more than they know.

My Father

I lost my father yesterday morning. He had a massive heart attack and died almost instantly. This was so unexpected and I'm having such a hard time believing that he's really gone. I feel lost - like I'm a little girl again and I want my daddy. I knew this day would eventually come but not so soon. It's so much harder to face than I had ever imagined and I'm so very sad. He was a good man and a wonderful father. I looked up to him so much and feel blessed to have him as my father. I will miss him more than I can express. I love you Dad. Thank you for your love and your example. Good Luck on this next phase of your life and I'll be looking forward to the day when we'll be reunited again.

Being a Mom

I love being a mom. When I had Zack and Bo, I was so young. I loved my new role and was impatient to see what came next. I couldn't wait until they could crawl, walk, talk, go to school, etc... As a young mom, I relished being the "super mom" - being able to juggle so many things and packing as much as I could into every day. I missed out on so many of the little things. Just sitting together - sharing time together one on one. This time around with Winston, I have a different perspective. I realize now how quickly children grow up. I still can't believe that Zack and Bo are grown and gone. They have become wonderful young men and I'm so proud of them but at the same time, I miss the little boys they used to be. Winston's antics bring back so many memories of Zack and Bo when they were young. I find myself feeling rather nostalgic several times a week. I know now that time is precious and should be savored not rushed. I relish the time I get to have with Winston and only wish that I could spend more with him. He's my little buddy and has been such a blessing in my life. When I found out I was pregnant with Winston, I couldn't help but wonder what Heavenly Father was thinking. I was too old to start over and Zack and Bo were almost grown. Now I understand that He knew exactly what I needed - what our family needed. Winston has truly blessed all of our lives and continues to do so every day. Having him around reminds me of what is really important. There aren't words to express the gratitude I feel to and for my children. I really do love being a mom.